2008.12.03 00:49:19

John McDaniel

I love top 10 lists; mostly because all of them fail to capture the essence of the facts, contexts, and temporal realities.  In other words, top 10 lists fail to match my opinions on most things.  So I proceed here knowing full well that you will disagree with me.  That’s OK.  Life would be boring if everyone agreed with me all the time.  Just ask my wife who finds life very exciting all of the time.

I love being an optometrist.  Not a week goes by that I don’t gain more appreciation for the privilege of being able to practice such a great profession.  That is not to say that practicing optometry is a panacea-like job.  It is with an eye to the occasional hurdles in the practice of optometry that I write the next 10 blog installments.  Each successive blog will progress a countdown of the top ten things that make me shake my head about practicing optometry.

My grandfather, who taught me more about the realities of life than anyone, used to compare his job as a carpenter to that of breaking rocks.  In fact, he used to compare everyone’s job or current task to breaking rocks.  I guess everything looks better when you compare it to the job of breaking rocks.  Grandpa would always say “its not like I’m breaking rocks for a living.”  True enough for me as well.  I wouldn’t change what I am doing for almost anything.  Especially for breaking rocks.

Now, in the best sense of fun and funny let’s dive into the dark abyss also known as “what is going through McDaniel’s mind.”  Without further adieu…

#10…..So many patients are completely devoid of any and all cover paddle skills and etiquette
Is there a simpler tool in the ophthalmic examination arsenal?  I can not think of one.  And there are so many ways to misuse the cover paddle…a few of my favorites are below:

• After being given the cover paddle and instructed to cover an eye, the patient proceeds to cover the eye with their free hand.  What are you doing here?  Waiting for the “now pretend you are conducting a band with the paddle while keeping the left eye covered” Instruction?
• Trying to jam the cover paddle between the glasses and the eye.  I can’t explain this one as there is no logic for it.
• Not being able to actually cover an eye or keep it covered after I move the paddle into place for you.
• Using the small handle end to cover the eye and the big paddle part as the hand grip.  Let me guess, you have never been an engineer, right?  Could you conceive of a more inefficient method for occluding one eye? 
• Putting the cover paddle in your mouth while listening to what I am saying to you.  Notice the look of disgust and horror on my face yet?
• Assuming the cover paddle is actually some sort of new age drumstick and that my $10,000 biomicroscope is your private drum kit.  I don’t think so there Buddy Rich.
• Using the paddle as a back/leg/thigh/arm pit/or worse scratcher.  Just for that I am going to tell you where the previous patient put the cover paddle before I gave it to you.
• Assuming ownership, part I – interpreting the phrase “take this” that accompanies me handing you the paddle literally.  Don’t steal my cover paddle or else my exam fee doubles. 
• Pretending it is a spoon and acting like you are eating chili in the exam chair.  Nice comedy routine; keep the day job.  By the way, why do you smell as if you have just been eating chili not 20 seconds before the exam started?
• Debating for over 10 seconds what is the proper way to place it over the eye: concavity toward eye or away from eye?  Don’t worry, it is just the most important test in my examination of you and the outcome will most assuredly determine if you get the “good” glasses or the “bad” glasses.
• Blaming the paddle for scratching your 1978 plastic lenses that you were too cheap to buy scratch protection on.  Let me guess, you’ll want me to warranty those too, right?
• Having to switch hands with the cover paddle to switch the eye you are covering.  I’ll admit that is nit picky until you consider that this usually takes over 2 minutes to accomplish the vaunted switch.
• Assuming ownership, part II – assuming that every test that involves the precious cover paddle requires you to hold it, even after I’ve told you two times “I’ll hold it this time, just watch the letter on the chart.”  Just imagine if they produced cover paddles that were shiny objects; nobody would ever listen to me.
• Asking me if I cleaned the paddle after the exam before yours.  Of course I did.  As a matter of fact I use a dead bears rear end as an autoclave-like device just for cover paddles and tonometer probes.  Thanks for asking.

And last but not least….

• Seeing that the cover paddle has some flexibility, you feel the need to see at what point the “bendy” paddle will snap in two.  Hey, at least you said sorry as you handed me the pieces.

Le meas,

John G. McDaniel, OD, MLHR
President/Founder
Waugoo Consulting Group, LLC
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top ten | optometry | practice | humor